Coming Out Story

Part 1 Coming Out Story

I have been out for 2 years. I was 23 when I came out, looking back I really should have known at a much younger age that I was gay. But I firmly believe that things happen for a reason, and I know that I am much more psychologically able to handle the effects of coming out now instead of then. I am divorced, and yes I do have a daughter.  So here we go.

Looking back I can remember having crushes and wanting to be close to my "girl" friends back in grade school. But for some reason I always thought that this was normal. Didn't everybody find their friends to be cute? Be slightly jealous of their crushes boyfriends? I never really understood the whole deal about falling in love with a boy. It sounded limiting, and boring to me. Who wants to be a housewife, raise a bunch of kids, and cook dinner for a guy with a beer belly? I didn't want or pursue any of these things.

In high school I was known as the kinda popular girl, with a counselor for a mom, that only the smart kids were brave enough to be friends with. Thanks mom. I dated a few guys, but not really. My friends thought that it was odd that I didn't want a boyfriend, a husband and kids. So I ended up dating these guys to appear normal, and yes sometimes I was turned on when we kissed. But nothing like what I experience when I make out or mess around or make love to a girl.

I didn't lose my virginity in high school. And at my high school, Rio Linda Senior High School, we didn't have a huge gay population. And the few gays we did have were mostly scary, sorry ladies, but we did have a very adorable gay guy in my graduating class. And I respect the hell out of that guy and those ladies for coming out so young!

So after high school I did end up dating a guy off and on for a few years, but we broke up for good when he almost proposed.. So glad that didn't happen! At 19, I enlisted in the US Navy, these were my reasons, and no I didn't know about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy then. I wanted to get out of California and away from everybody who knew me. What I truly wanted was to be a different person, and the only way I knew how was to get the hell out of here! So I did, and I was stationed in Norfolk, VA for 4 years.

Now any normal, non-shy person, they would have treated this like college. Because lets be honest here, the military is like one huge sorority, fraternity. I treated it as a job, made many friends, drank a lot! But I was scared of that damn policy, even though we all knew that the other Mary in my shop was an open bisexual, who brought her girlfriend to command functions. I was and still am a worrier, which is bad and I know this by the way. So I didn't do anything about exploring my sexuality, I just clung to the bisexual label for dear life.

I ended up meeting a guy, found out I was pregnant, married him. Marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life. I knew after a week that I made the biggest mistake. And when I asked my family what to do, they told me to stay married, after a year it would get better. So this year marker came and went, and things magically didn't get better. Crazy I know! Around this time I sat him down and told him I wanted a divorce, he wanted to know why. And at this time I didn't have an answer. So we tried to make it work. But all that time I was trying to figure out what was making me so miserable and ready to get another drink.

Around the time my daughter was going to turn a year old, after months of soul searching, I finally figured it out people. I was a huge lezzie. And yes I had never slept or really messed around with a girl before coming out. I had to sit my ex down again, but this time I had an answer. I'm gay. I can't be married to you, make you and my daughter miserable because I'm not happy with myself. Lets just say it was a very difficult 2 years after that, but now we are civil, and our daughter has 2 parents who love her very much. So yes I was out of the closet without actually messing around an actual woman.

When I did come out, I told 4 people other than my ex. My friend Whitney from boot camp, who is awesome and extremely supporting, my favorite Aunt, my mom and my then best friend from high school. My Aunt said, "whatever makes you happy Mary is fine with me." My mom, "Did you think this through, are you sure?" Um yes duh! And my 2 friends, "You didn't know?"

Pretty much anybody who really knew me wasn't surprised. My mom is so-so with it. She used to ask me if I was dating a guy, I'd say "hell no!". And then it turned into, " You should date a guy so you can have another baby." .....What??? Yes I know, it's crazy. But I heard this off and on for a long time. Only recently has she asked if I have met any women, I should go to a gay bar... Blah blah blah blah.

My friends and family are for the most part okay with my being gay, most have never met an ex-girlfriend of mine. Because we never got that serious. But I do have awesome grandparents, who take me to go see "The Kids Are Going To Be Alright". Which is really awesome!

I have never met or encountered ugly homophobia. I have been stared at when I was out with an ex. I am very open about who I am, and I should be allowed to kiss or hold my girl in public. Especially if that heterosexual couple can all but fuck in public. I have never gone to gay bar, or gone to a gay parade, so I have never literally ran into anti-gay people. But I do encounter them in my day to day life.

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Part 2 My Anti-Suicide Message

And this is my piece on that. Change someone's view on gays on a case by case basis. That is what it is going to take to do anything with the current view on gays in America. I am not a typical lesbian, I jokingly refer to myself as an undercover lezzie. I can work on cars, houses and such. I choose not to. I'm not that into sports, but the Cowboys are my team and always have been (even though I have no clue what their standing and scores are). I am liberal, but I do have my conservative streaks. I have long hair, wear make-up, like heels and dressing in a business causal style, hate dresses and skirts and love the arts.

 But those are my quirks, not my identity. If someone makes fun of you for your quirks, they are not worth your time or your life! I am sick and tired of hearing of these teen suicides. 13!!! 13 years old and dead and in the ground because they felt they had no other alternative. These are the kids of the Internet. They should know that all they have to do is google "suicide helpline", "gay helplines", "dealing with bullying" Or whatever.

If you, the person who is reading this are thinking of suicide, don't you dare think about it. It's a fucking waste! You are worth so much more than a bullet, noose, bridge or whatever. Don't fucking do it!! High school and junior high are such a small part of your life. It does end, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you have to, to be safe, go back into the closet, transfer schools until it is safe for you to come out. Get out of the Midwest, south, military or wherever you are. Taking your own life is so fucking stupid and weak. You are strong and proud of who you are!! Don't let those homophobic, lame losers dictate who you are!! Don't end up on a news story, as another suicide statistic. Be the statistic for the survivors, be one of the strong who can help someone else who is where you were. You CAN handle it. Death is not the way!!

The only way we are going to get the rights that we deserve. And the open lifestyle we deserve is if we prove that we are not morally corrupt, wayward or whatever the bible thumpers are throwing at us today. I work with a severe christian. And all I say to her is I agree to disagree with you. And when you can come up with a non-religious reason for us to not get married or have equal rights. Then I will listen, because there is nothing wrong with who I am. I am an amazing person. I am a good mother. I am a equal citizen. I deserve me rights too! And then, I act like myself around her. Because in the end actions speak louder than words. And you know what, she doesn't throw religion in my face anymore. She keeps it to herself, because it is her opinion and nothing else. Homophobia is an awful opinion, but people will have it. We just have to get these people to stop trying to pass their opinions as laws.

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So that's my story and message. Sorry it was so long, but I have been wanting to scream out that message for a while now! I hope this can help somebody or anybody. Feel free to message me if you need help dealing with your situation. And please no guys hitting on me, or bible thumpers harassing me. I will block you.